Lamenting My Youth and Other Things...
I used to think I was a pretty cool chick. I loved who I was. Now, I'm not so sure. Sure, there are a lot of cool things about me, but lately I seem to only see the bad stuff...and I'm not likin it. My "little" flaws are increasingly becoming more apparent to me. Maybe it's because I have more time for introspection or maybe it's because I'm older and I know better now or maybe the cynicism I've been cultivating in my old age is reaching into every aspect of my life. Whatever it is, it's depressing.
For one, I'm not as outgoing as I used to be. In fact, I could care less about engaging in conversation with new people. I used to be all about that and now I'd just rather talk to the people I already know. Kinda weird, considering I'd like to meet new friends in my area. Lately I've ended up at several different parties with people I barely know and I've had no desire to make conversation or attempt to get to know these people.
Two, I've always been a worry wart, to say the least, but now it seems worse than ever. I'm constantly worrying about everything, esp. things that are out of my control.
Three, since I've stopped working I find myself more and more dismayed by the smallest of problems.
Four, I still have absolutely no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Pretty sad, since I'm already thirty.
Five, I'd like to be more into myself. I'd like to think that it's "my way or the highway". I'm really too concerned with doing everything the "right" way all the time. You can't rise to the top of the ladder without stepping on some heads...that's why I'm not at the top of the ladder...I'm too busy helping all the stragglers and the dysfunctional climbers because I'm too nice.
Six, I want to be more of a risk taker. I'm the type of person that plans six months in advance and works out a contingency plan on a spreadsheet. That's also why I'm not at the top of the ladder. Funny though, I have managed to get past this problem in other areas of my life...for example, I'm scared of deep water and not the best swimmer...so I took swim lessons and then went snorkeling in Hawaii. I wasn't going to let my fear ruin my good time. I wish I could translate that into other areas of my life where it could be used.
Seven, now...I love my mom to death. She's a wonderful woman and mother. BUT...I don't want to be her. And, yet, as I get older..I see I'm becoming more and more like her...and that's scary!
posted by Melissa @ 2:55 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Flaws make people more interesting.
You know, I used to have problems with #5. I used to be so nice and empathetic...the person whom all my friends knew they could call crying at 3 a.m. because they needed someone to talk to. The person who would drop everything for her friends.
Now? Not so much. As I've gotten older, I realize I've lost a lot of patience for stupidity and incompetence. That's not to say I'm a heartless bitch (well...), but it frustrates me that most people bring their problems upon themselves. When will they realize that they're getting in their own way?
What really helped me get past all this was learning how to say "no." It took me a loooong time to learn how to do this and not feel like a total bitch. Believe it or not, most women have a real problem saying no to others. Because typically we have maternal instincts and want to please everyone all the time. However, being able to say no is empowering and prevents you from feeling resentful and angry. Learn to say "no" and I promise, your quality of life will improve...mine did!
Anyway, your post really spoke to me. Especially the part about cynicism. It's hard to avoid, though.
I have nothing to add, unfortunately, other than I enjoyed reading your entry. Really, thanks for sharing! You'll be just fine. I'm sure of it. =)
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